Reality

Lately I've been thinking. This isn't an uncommon past time for me... but lately I've been doing it a lot more.

There's a lot going on in my life.

I have a son that's almost five months old. I have a husband who's struggling with his motivation to get through school so he can reach a point where he'll be able to work and support his family. I'm far away from basically all my friends and family. I have a college degree but nothing to do with it. I'm 20 to 30 pounds heavier than I want to be and, more importantly, than I should be.

There's a lot going on in my life.

I keep looking at old pictures. Pictures from my senior year of high school. Pictures from when Clark and I had barely been married. Pictures of the "old" days. Pictures, even, of when Michael was first born. I keep looking at pictures... and I think I keep looking at them hoping they'll give me a solution.

Well, they haven't.

I've been down on myself lately. Struggling to get through the day. Truthfully I haven't been eating the best, I haven't been exercising half as much as I should be. Instead I've been sitting in front of the TV (when I'm not playing with Michael or trying to get him to nap on his own). I've become addicted to shows that my husband says are only a few bad actors away from being soap operas.

I feel pathetic.

However, the more I think about it, and the more pathetic I feel, the more I keep pushing through.

I have faced a lot of hard times, and many of them, most of them have been with Clark by my side. We keep telling each other it will be different when he graduates. That we only have a little while longer. That things will get easier as we get older.

I know that's not true.

Things get harder.

It's the way life works. When you're little all you have to stress out about is what toy you'll get for Christmas, or if you'll be invited to a certain birthday party, or what haircut is cool and what haircut isn't. When you're younger you have very few things to worry about. When you get older, you realize maybe just how silly you were when you were younger. The thing I keep remembering, though, is when you're younger it's not silly at all.

The reality of all of it is, things are hard.

Life is busy. Life throws challenges at you that you probably think you're not ready for. God doesn't give you more than you can handle, though. There is a purpose to everything. At least, that's what I believe.

These challenges that I'm facing are here for a reason. Things may not be going exactly as I want them to. I may still be over weight and a little bitter about it. I may still stress over what color high lights I should get, or if I should dye my hair to a semi natural color.

I may obsess over if Michael's eating enough. I may obsess over the idea of him being older than I want him to be when we have our next child. I may obsess over if he has enough toys, gets enough attention, sleeps enough, sleeps too much, if he's spoiled....

I may obsess and stress over a lot of things. But that's ok. I am doing the very best I can, and I have an amazing support system and an amazing family. With amazing people behind me and amazing opportunities in front of me, I can do anything.

That's the reality at the moment.