I have a hard time focusing on the "here". As in, I'm always looking forward to something else. I'm always looking to the "there". Do you have the same problem?

As I mentioned in a personal post last month, we're going through a challenging period as a family. Clark tends to be gone more than he's home, and every time he's gone for a long stretch (we're a little over a month right now), I start imagining life when he's home for longer periods of time. I start thinking about "there", wishing that time would pass quickly by so it will be the first week of November, or will be a year or two later when we are at a different stage of life (hopefully).

When that happens I have to stop, breathe, and turn to God.

One of the worst words to me is "wait". At my women's Bible study right now we're doing Twelve Women of the Bible, and we just went through Amena Brown talking about Hannah. She said the word "wait" should be put in with all the other four-letter-words, and I would have to agree with her. I feel like I've done nothing but waiting for the past six years.

We waited for me to finish college, and I did.

We waited for things to work out so we could move and Clark could start school, and they did.

We waited for Michael to be born, and he was.

We waited for Clark to be in school, and he was.

We waited for Clark to get a job because he could no longer do school, and he did.

We are waiting for a different job, so we can be together as a family more consistently.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

You see what I mean? But in-between all of that waiting, we were flooded with blessings and plans that were clearly not our own unfolding. So many things that we wanted didn't work out and then we experienced better. So many things we weren't expecting happened but God saw us through them. Sometimes, when we're in another waiting room, I forget all the wonderful that we saw before when we were so anxiously focusing on where we were rather than what was happening due to God's Grace.

So what do you do when you're sick of waiting? When it feels like what you want is never going to come, and you want to scream and cry and get angry at God?

Stop, breathe, and cry out to Jesus.

I've touched on this before, but see these words of wisdom from Amena Brown.

"God doesn't want your happy face. He wants your real face. He wants you to be honest. He can handle it."

Waiting, well... it sucks. But what we have to keep reminding ourselves is that if we always focus on the "there", we really are missing out on some extraordinary things that are happening here and now.

When crying out doesn't seem like enough, whip out a sheet of paper (or open a note on your phone, or a document on your computer, or whatever) and start listing things you're thankful for. Ann Voskamp who wrote One Thousand Gifts had many life struggles, and turning to God and really putting in perspective just how blessed you are always reminds you that what you're waiting on, well... it can wait. God's timing is THE timing. It's not always never easy for me to remember that. But if I have learned anything over the past few years, it's that I really am blessed and I have so much to be thankful for.

I am thankful for Clark, Michael, for my friends, my family, and for Clark having a job. Without having things to do and people to share this life with, I really don't know what I'd do. Almost two weeks ago we had this sweet outing to a local park with two of our closest friends, and it just opened my eyes to the fact (once again), that all moments count for something.

I've had a rough few days weeks months. Let's be honest here, friends. From eating a jar of Nutella to watching my weight go up and down like a yo-yo, something's gotta give.

2013 was supposed to be our year. That's what we kept saying. It was the year things were going to change. The year things were going to happen. The year we were finally going to start living.

And yet this year has come, and we are more than halfway through it... and still my little family is "stuck" in this ridiculous thing we call life-on-earth.

Everyone keeps telling me God has a plan. In my heart of hearts I keep saying my favorite verse over, and over, and over again:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11.

Yet these words have lost their comfort. It's like I wrote it on a chalkboard one hundred times, but when I went to continue writing it my arm rubbed against the chalk. The words are smeared, no longer as clearly in front of my face as when I was writing them... and I lost track. I started to look at other things around me, because the chalk was washing away.

So I did what I knew I needed to do. I brought my problems to the closest Christian women I have in my life right now. The ones I can physically sit down with, let them take my hands in theirs... and pray. I needed physical prayer. I needed someone else lifting up the words that were in my heart that I didn't want to bring to God. Because like so many other times in my life, I was turning away from Him. I knew He could help me, and I felt so selfish because I thought He was ignoring me.

Haven't I been praying the same prayer over and over again, Father? It's been over two years now since I brought this to you. Aren't you listening?

I thought I was praying with the faith to move mountains. I thought I was praying big dreams, big things that were God-sized and only He could handle. Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing?

These women prayed for me, with me, beside me. We gave God praise and love, and asked for the things that were in all of our hearts.

But to me... it still didn't feel like it was enough. Somehow the fellowship with these women was leaving me more angry than relieved. How come they get all these wondrous joys in their lives and I don't? Things that I want, and they receive. Could it be because they are all at least six years older than me?

I was trying to find the reason. And in my moments of selfishness I forgot that a few of them had problems that probably overshadowed mine in the scheme of things. In my selfishness I forgot that they had daily struggles just as I do.

Because I was being selfish.

I stayed at the hostess's house a little longer than everyone else, and we talked troubles. Hers and my own. We shared our thoughts, and she shared her wisdom with me. All I can tell you friends, is that this woman is one who so clearly reflects the light of God I wish I could keep her in my pocket all the time. I am so thankful she has become one of my closest sisters in Christ.

So when I started talking, and when I felt like I was about to cry, she took my hands in hers and said, "Let me pray for you."

Her words moved me more than she could possibly know. In that moment, I truly felt God. She said something like this.

"It's like we are looking at the underside of a tapestry, Father, and we can't see the beautiful picture you are creating above. It's like You are weaving a glorious masterpiece, and we are just waiting for You to tell us to look up so we can see what You see. We trust in You, Father. We trust that You have this amazing plan and hope that You will choose to reveal it to Emily soon, Lord, because she could just use Your presence and wisdom. We trust in what You are making, and what You sew, and ask that soon You will just let Emily look up so she may see what wonders You have prepared for her, and for Clark, and for their family."

When I got in the car to drive home, I was sobbing. I prayed her words over, and over, and over again. Unlike the chalk that had been rubbing off the chalk board, they were being engraved on my heart again, and again, and again.

I felt redeemed. Like my chains had been broken off all over again. And I'm no longer worried. Because I know God will let me look up when the timing is right.

I am a do-er. If you know what I mean, I imagine we are one in the same.

I am constantly on the go. I love to have things to do, places to be, people to see, etc. Although it takes me some time, once I am comfortable with people/a place/ a situation I am, what you call, a social butterfly. I love to help people, give to people, be with people... do you get my meaning?

And then I have days where I break down. I complain about being so busy, about my house being a disaster, about not having anything to do. This past week my bestie who I've known since I was five was visiting, and I must confess that I did this at least twice during her five day visit.

Yeah. Not cool.

I have a hard time relaxing. I have a hard time sitting down and really, just... breathing. Even my God-time seems to be on a tight schedule and I glance at my watch, my phone, the nearest clock... I worry that Michael is going to wake up from his nap before I fold the laundry or wash the dishes and I therefore don't really spend time resting with the Lord.

No big deal, right? I'll pray later. I'll read the Bible more tomorrow to make up for it. I'll find time... eventually.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light." Matthew 11:28-30.

Most days, rushing through doesn't phase me, but then I start to worry as I'm cuddled in bed.

Did I do enough with Michael today? I got upset with him too much. I need to work on that.

Did I e-mail everyone I was supposed to? No. Well, I'll do it eventually.

I forgot to clean the bathroom. Our bathtub is so gross. We need a new shower curtain. I need to add that to the Target list.

These thoughts continue, and continue, and continue. Soon I find I'm not sleepy, or it's one in the morning, or it's four in the morning and then I start dreading the coming hours because Michael is bound to wake up before I've gotten sufficient rest. I panic. And it makes rest even more difficult.

This morning we slept in. Instead of being thankful, I was annoyed because it cut into my early-grocery-store-trip plan. I could have still gone, but somehow I was so annoyed at the prospect of going after our typical morning routine that I decided we'd go after Michael's nap. That way I could get a shower in.

Guess who's not napping?

So as the morning progressed Michael wanted to take a bath. As I was running water I was looking for a shirt for myself. I couldn't find the shirt I wanted. I mean, I had just worn it last night. Where could it be? I thought I put it on my dresser. Not there. I checked the couch, the pile of clean clothes on the rocking chair... nothing.

During all of this, Clark called needing me to help him with directions to somewhere. I was so short with him just because I wanted to get back to looking for my shirt.

When I finally hit my breaking point, I walked into our bedroom and sat down on our bed, letting my face fall into my hands. Why was this such a big deal? Just pick another shirt.

But it wasn't that. I felt like I couldn't catch a break. Like everything in life is a battle... so much so that I couldn't even find the shirt I wanted to wear.

A few tears feel, a prayer was said... and then I just sat there. Everything was quiet. Michael was throwing toys into the tub, anxiously waiting for me to put him in it. Our dog was passed out on our living room rug. The cat was curled up in the dog's bed. All was quiet.

And yet, I heard it.

Rest.

I thought I was thinking it myself. That's often what happens when the Lord is speaking. Friends who talk about quiet time with God and listening to him, I didn't understand. My thoughts are ALWAYS rushing that I seem to stop listening to Him and continue listening to myself. (See I am v. The GREAT I Am.)

Rest.

So I prayed. I asked for peace, for comfort, for the ability to stop stressing and to rest as He commanded.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7.

After I prayed and recited that verse, I went to get up to help Michael into the bathtub. And there, right in front of my face on the floor, was my shirt.

My focus has been here, there, and everywhere except right where it should be. I don't know why I'm so surprised that I've been stressed, getting migraines, tense, anxious... I haven't been keeping my eyes on Him. Instead I've been looking to this wretched world we live in, and that's not my purpose.

My purpose is to serve Him. To praise Him. To rest in Him.




Praise the Lord for being a patient, forever loving God with my weary, impatient, distracted soul.

For the last week, something had a hold of me and I still can't seem to shake it. I have been in a bad mood. ALL THE TIME.

OK... that may be an exaggeration. After all, last week we did have a wonderful water-date with some awesome friends, and I had a great time at Bible study. Even so, I felt like all I was doing was complaining or staying silent. Something was just really itching under my skin. I couldn't figure out what it is.

I know we all get into these moods sometimes. Like things just aren't good enough. We need more. We deserve more.

Don't you just hate feeling like that? Because we KNOW BETTER.

I know I have what I need. The Lord provides.

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19 (NLT)

Still I have this nagging feeling. Like I'm still in limbo. Just WAITING for the next step to happen. We've been this way for some time, not going to lie. I have to continuously remind myself to enjoy the NOW. Enjoy where Michael is. Enjoy watching him grow. Stop focusing on the fact that we don't have a fenced in back yard, or that our house is starting to feel too small, or that Michael doesn't sleep on his own, or that I can't do everything I want to do. ENJOY. STOP WORRYING.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)


I've been feeling very overwhelmed. Like I need a vacation. Then I feel like an awful mom who should have duct tape over her mouth so she doesn't say that out loud. A BREAK? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How dare you.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29 (NIV)

I haven't been good this past week. I didn't turn to God in my times of frustration, or weariness. I wanted to depend on myself. I wanted to COMPLAIN. To be selfish. The horrible part of it is I knew I was doing it. I am, and there is none besides me.

Remember that? Those words have been running through my mind for the past week and I kept wanting to say saying, "Yeah, SO WHAT?!"

So? I've been anxious. I've been grumpy. I've been angry. And this past week was such a waste because if I had just cried out to Jesus, things would have gotten better. I would have rested, been more at ease, been at peace... and it would have saved me a lot of time, guilt, and headaches.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

Sad thing is, I know I haven't learned my lesson. This may not happen again for quite some time, but it will happen again. I err. I'm so thankful God sent His ONE and ONLY Son so that I may live eternally, regardless of my humanity.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:1-5 (NLT)

You have trusted in your wickedness and have said, "No one sees me." Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, "I am, and there is none besides me." - Isaiah 47:10 NIV

It's so easy to get caught up in this mess we call life. To focus on the, "I am and there is none besides me." Let's face it: Who doesn't want to make it all about them?

I get very caught up in social media. I try not to. But it creeps in. After all, it's so accessible-- especially to those with a smart phone. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter... You name it. It's all there at your finger tips. So I upload who knows how many pictures a day and update my status and share links, and then I spend way too much time waiting, checking, stalking, and waiting some more. Somehow this ends in unwarranted anger towards people. Perhaps someone didn't text me back. Perhaps someone didn't like a picture I was certain they would. Perhaps no one liked my status or shared my link I posted. Perhaps....

Why does it make me angry? Because I get caught up in the, "I am."
(This idea I'm taking from Beth Moore's study on Daniel I'm currently doing at the women's study at my church.)

It means I get so caught up in me. Thinking about myself and how "wonderful" I am, how creative I am, or how original or how pretty or how blessed and I want EVERYONE to recognize it. I want people to humble themselves before me.

Wait. WHAT?!

Isn't that what we are doing? Getting sucked in to the craziness of this world and wanting it to be all about us? So where is God in all this?

Oh. Right. HIM.

Yeah, you know, The GREAT I am.

Sound familiar? Here I am getting caught up in the "I am" and forgetting the GREAT I am.

Oops.

No, my friends, that's more than just "oops".

What I so easily forget as I spend mindless moments on my social media plugins is that I am not for this world. Another amazing thing a woman in my small group said. I am not living for this world. I am living for heaven. For the days when I will get to spend all my time glorifying God.

But... wait.. shouldn't I be doing that now as well?

There is a simple answer to that question: yes .

I can say I'm only human, I can say I have flaws, but that doesn't excuse me or give me room to skirt away from my purpose. My purpose is to "represent". To shine my light and let the whole world see that I am not for this world.

I am challenging myself to take a step back from Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter and focus on the relationship that matters the most: My relationship with Christ.

Do you get caught up in the "I am"? How can you challenge yourself to take a step back?

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of time just browsing at past blog posts. I realize that lately I haven't exactly been posting regularly. On the contrary, I have found myself avoiding blogging. Why? I asked myself that same question.

I've realized that in the past year or so I was getting caught up. Caught up in the idea that I had to "be the best". Take amazing pictures for everyone to envy. Post amazing recipes for everyone to try and cook. Share amazing stories/devotionals/ideas for everyone to find inspiring. I got caught up in trying to be the super-amazing-mommy-wife-blogger.

I mean, I jumped from having 66 total posts in 2011 to having 212 in 2012. I started really getting a feel for our SLR camera. I started thinking about things like blog posts, and immediately wanting to blog whenever we finished hanging out as a family or I finished cooking or whatever. I was always thinking about the blog.

Then I hit a rough patch. I was so excited for my "25 Days of Christmas" idea, and it ended up pretty much being a sinking ship. I felt so much pressure to get a blog post up every day that my pictures were mediocre, some of my grammar atrocious, the the giveaways I had lined up barely had any entries. I was devastated. I mean, I really thought my blog was growing, and then it turned out I really could only count on my friends/family to make it look good when everyone could so clearly see it was drowning.

As 2013 started, I was pretty close to just letting my blog go. Let it slowly die out. Post every now and then when I was excited to share and if there was any new interest shown, but ultimately I was just going to let time run out.

I know, melodramatic. But I got so caught up in the fact that my blog wasn't "perfect". That all these women were making their lives look so wonderful and picture-perfect and I just couldn't keep up.

I told this to a friend, who said my blog was refreshing because it seemed real compared to so many others out there. But I honestly wasn't convinced. If mine's so refreshing, how come I only have 59 followers? When I told another friend about my struggle, and said I may try to simplify, she suggested I find a focus and run with it. I know this is because my blog can be all over the place.

Moving forward...

The past three months of this new year that I proclaimed was going to be "the year", have kind of sucked. Excuse the expression but I find no other way of saying it. I have been struggling more with my eating habits, losing my temper at tiny things, and letting my house go to the point that I'm pretty sure Michael and I got sick from the overwhelming amounts of dog hair, dust, and who knows what else. I haven't been depressed, per say, but I certainly haven't been in the best of places.

What does this have to do with blogging? Let me tell you.

I missed it.

I missed blogging and yet the pressure I was putting on myself for my blog to be perfect was keeping me from it. You may recall the post I did last year about the Super-SAHM. You know, that every stay-at-home-mom these days has to be this all-powerful person and do everything wonderfully and organically and gosh forbid if you use disposable diapers or don't make your own baby food. YES, I am one of those mothers. I made a huge deal about making my own baby food, and love our cloth diapers. BUT I don't think mothers who don't do that are any less of mothers.

A woman in my Bible study who I look up to so much said that she's found that all mothers need to start building each other up as mothers rather than pointing out each others' flaws.

Just because a mom doesn't eat organically, or just because she uses disposable diapers, or just because she makes brownies from a box, or just because she works full time doesn't make her ANY LESS OF A MOTHER. It makes her human. Moms have the hardest jobs of all, and to constantly put each other down or try to out do the other just to appear to be the "better mom" only hurts us-- the women.

Why would we want to do that to each other? Doesn't the world put us down enough in one way or another? Shouldn't we be supporting each other?

What does this have to do with blogging? Let me tell you.

I was letting other women get to me.

Women who I don't even know, who haven't ever said a negative to me or in my general direction, were making me feel inferior. These women who can have family outings and take gorgeous pictures were making me feel self conscious. These women who lost their baby weight in a heart beat and don't struggle with food choices were making me feel like I wanted to eat everything in sight. These women who have kids who are already potty trained (and are Michael's age) or who do constant crafts with their children were making me feel like a failure. These women who work, buy organic foods, have bigger houses, have nicer furniture, have their children in their own beds, are constantly taking outings with friends and family-- were making me feel naive and inadequate, even though I don't know them at all.

All of this was keeping me from blogging. Suddenly I was aware of my mediocre pictures from a point and shoot camera (since our SLR was stolen in November). Suddenly I was aware that I haven't been making the best food choices for me or Michael. Suddenly I was aware that maybe my child already watches too much TV. Suddenly I was aware that I wasn't up to par with all these other women.

And now, I'm aware that it doesn't matter.

I am who I am as a mom. I need to stop holding myself to all these "blogger standards" that may not even really be there and blog because I enjoy it, and blog for those that enjoy what I do. The internet is vast and never ending, so it seems, and the fact that I'm letting all the ridiculousness of the world get to me is, well, ridiculous. We blogging mothers (and mothers/women in general) need to stick together and support one another, no matter our circumstances.

So, whether you're an outstanding photographer or just sport a point-and-shoot, whether you use disposable or cloth diapers, whether you make your own baby food or buy it in the store... you get the idea... I am behind you.

You are awesome.

Remember that.

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